...Invest in at least one pair of faggotty sandals this season. Naturally Tonton's talking to you men out there as the women already know the allure of such things. One's sexual orientation is of no consequence whatsoever, in fact, it could be argued that a few poncey loops of leather wrapped round the exposed foot of Mr Hetero Burly is just the very thing to get Miss Right's socks to go up and down. You see, she'll be drawn to your fearlessness, the self-assurance which allows you to explore and support the only bit of creativity to be found in men's footwear. Tonton just wants you to give it a go. There's no shortage of faggotty sandals on the market these days- all one need do is pop into the local Yves St. Laurent corner shop, or a Prada kiosk or D Squared riverside stall, drop a few hundred euro on something no bigger than that and just watch as men and women salivate as you saunter by.

,,,Spend a week watching every episode of that amazing television series '24'. You know, the one with that actor who's the son of that other actor. With the hair. Canadian, perhaps? Tonton hasn't left the sofa in days- there are discs and discs, and it just keeps getting better.

...Leave the car at home and give public transport a go. Sit (or stand) face to face with your fellow man and remind yourself that we are all one. Guaranteed to cause a few smiles and some very touching moments. If these are unwarranted, however, a single slap on the offending hand should suffice, but by and large, you'll find it a pleasurable experience to be cheek by jowl, as it were, with your neighbour. And Tonton would be very proud if you linked arms and all sang 'Man in the Mirror'.

February 2008

It must first be acknowledged that Tonton is not a mother, new or otherwise, although he is an uncle (as his name in charming French suggests). And while he claims no first-hand experience, he has had to listen to countless tales of the joys and pains of motherhood. And as they say, he can ‘relate’ (oh really, Tonton had no idea that the term was passé. Tonton begs your pardon, but he cannot quite bring himself to say that he ‘feels you’, no matter how au courant that may make him). And so today Tonton has cleared his calendar and shall devote a minute or two to contemplate that bundle in your basket.

Do
Lavish as much time and care and hugs and kisses on the little one as you please. Soon you’ll be far too busy.
Don’t
Care a jot about the opinions of all those hardened experienced mothers around you who will try to lecture you about spoiling the baby.
Do
Allow family and friends to come round for short visits, say 15 minutes or so. The announcement that baby and mother are tired should be a signal that the visit is now over.
Don’t
Drive yourself mad about keeping a spotless house.
Do
Arrange the baby in such a way that guests can see its smiling face.
Don’t
Let these germ-riddled adults get too close. The words, ‘I hope what baby’s got isn’t catching’ should guarantee at least 5 feet of distance.
Do
Remember to dress simply and elegantly when leaving the house (Tonton is not referring to those Juicy Couture things meant for the gym).
Don’t
Be tempted to get that ‘easy to manage’ haircut. It will require more upkeep than you think. A chic bun or ponytail will cut down considerably the amount of time you spend panicking and stressing.
Do
Remember to thank all those kind souls who offer to babysit, although it is perfectly proper to suggest that they see to baby’s laundry or do a bit of shopping instead.
Don’t
Attempt to do it all yourself. Husbands (or Babydaddies) should share the aforementioned joys and pains. Tonton also recommends roping in nieces and nephews, grandparents, and even cousins thrice removed to take part in the drama.

There now, Tonton hopes he has been helpful. Now go out and multiply.

Dear Tonton,

One of our neighbors is rather strange. They tend to divert their eyes whenever they see me coming down the street or if we happen to chance upon one another in front of the building. Very odd. I don't think that I've done anything to piss them off or offend them but for some reason they have decided after 2 months that I'm not worthy of their friendliness. Even when I run into them and they act poorly towards me I always make sure to send my happiest of happy smiles their way and if I'm in a REALLY good mood I'll trill, "heeeelllo" as well for good measure. I just don't understand why they choose to be so difficult and so freakin' grumpy.
Maybe they have perpetual *pms (even though this person is of the male persuasion!!!) Tonton, what should I do?
*PMT

Dear Reader,

As someone who spends so much of his time trying to make himself inconspicuous and is genuinely surprised when people remember him, Tonton's heart goes out to your neighbour. It could be that the gentleman suffers from that most unsociable disease- incredible shyness. It could also be that the man is blind. But you didn’t ask Tonton for excuses, did you? Please forgive Tonton, he always tries to see the good in others. But your neighbour has forfeited the benefit of the doubt and is clearly behaving rudely to you. You may be congratulated on having done nothing wrong (unless you've been pluralising him even to his face). Tonton suggests being even more neighbourly. Try introducing yourself at your next ‘meeting’, and perhaps adding a few inquiries about good bakeries or fetish shops in the area (these are just the first things that popped into Tonton's head, feel free to come up with your own suggestions). If after that the gentleman persists in not recognising you, you have Tonton’s permission to return the favour.

It has certainly not escaped Tonton’s notice that ladies and gentlemen are dressing themselves in a much more casual manner than they used to. This is not a criticism, merely an observation, and Tonton, who strives to be thoroughly modern in all his endeavours went out in search of the meaning of all this that he may with confidence make the sartorial statements appropriate to his age and station in life. He fell into a clothing shop known to all the world by its provocative advertising campaign in which bare skin seems to be the only thing they’re selling, and was instantly seduced by the lighting (dim), the music (loud), and the striking good looks of its staff, all of whom were aged about 18. Tonton is naturally flattered when he’s told that he looks decades younger than his years. He becomes rapturous when he hears that his is a figure that can wear anything. But you must forgive his mystified expression when you suggest that baggy jeans worn way down there, a t-shirt with a rude slogan emblazoned across the front, and flip-flops is just the very thing to wear whilst dining al fresco at one of the town's most ‘happening’ restaurants. Tonton can’t help thinking that the most important element of this outfit- the tailored blazer, just slipped your mind.

Dear Tonton,

I like to wear two t-shirts, a short-sleeved one over a long-sleeved one. My question is this, how much of the long-sleeved one should be seen at the neck and waist?

Dear Reader,

Years ago, a gentleman of Tonton’s acquaintance appeared at his morning lecture wearing his sweater inside out. That his face was unshaven and several swollen red marks could be detected at his throat led to all sorts of gossip and overnight this man became the talk of the campus. His popularity soared as a direct result and soon several hundred other gentlemen began showing up at lectures with their sweaters turned inside out. Some high achievers had even gone so far as to procure the swollen red marks as well. But their names will never be remembered because they had all forgotten to carry the look of unconcern and nonchalance that was the hallmark (and Tonton firmly believes, the appeal) of the original. Tonton begs you not to think about these things too much.